A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
 
 His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
 
 "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
 
 "Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
 
 "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."
 
 Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
 
 "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
 
 "That's his mistress," says her husband.
 
 She replies, "Ours is prettier."

please help me out

Am sorry i didn't inform you of my trip to Istanbul, Turkey on a short visit for just few days, everything was going well until last night when i got mugged at the park of the hotel where i lodged, all my cash,credit cards and cell were stolen from me am so lucky to be alive and with my passport.

I've been to the embassy and the Police here, but they're really not helping issues at all, and my flight leaves in less than 5hrs from now, but am having problems settling the hotel bills and the hotel management will not let me leave until i settle the bills.

Am freaked out at the moment please help me out

Never Ever Lie To A Woman

A man called home to his wife and said, ‘Darling, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends.
 
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up' 'Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas'

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, 'Yes! Lots of salmons, some bluegills, and a few swordfishes. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?'
 
You'll love the answer,folks......

The wife replied, 'I did, dear. They're in your fishing box! 

                                     Wazee wa kichaga bwana!!!




Mzee mmoja toka Machame (Bwana Oforo) ambaye alikuwa mkali sana kwa binti
yake anaamka asubuhi na kutaarifiwa kwamba binti yake ana mimba!
   
   Bwana Oforo: "Aisee we Manka, nakwenda kazini, nikirudi leo ni lazima
uniambie ni nani kafanya uchafu huu" Anafoka na kuondoka kuelekea
ofisini.
   
   Mchana anapigiwa simu na Mama Manka na kuambiwa kwamba yule jamaa
aliyempa mimba bintiye yupo nyumbani anamsubiri kwa mazungumzo!
   
   Mzee anachukua panga lake na kulinoa kabisaaa kwa ajili ya kwenda
kumteketeza mwanaharamu huyo.
   
   Kufika nyumbani mambo yanakuwa hivi:


   Kijana aliyempa mimba binti: "Mmmh Mzee ni kweli mi ndiye nimempa mamba
binti yako, na kusema kweli sina mpango wa kumuoa. Lakini akizaa mtoto
   wa kiume nitakupa TShs 1 million na ghorofa Kariakoo kisha nachukua
mtoto.
   

   Akizaa mtoto wa kike nakupa TShs 1 million na duka Sinza!
  
   Lakini je mzee, ikitokea bahati mbaya mimba hii ikaharibika itakuwaje?
   "
  
   Mzee Oforo: Aisee babaangu itabidi tu umpe mimba nyingine, hakuna jinsi!

> 
> A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday,while
> his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went
> through so he prayed: 
> 'Dear Lord: 
> I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
> merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through.
> So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a
> day.    
> Amen!'
> 
> God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
> The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke so early as a
> woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,Awakened the
> kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast,
> Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and
> picked up the dry cleaning,Took it to the cleaners, Went
> grocery shopping, 
> Then drove home to put away the groceries, He cleaned the
> cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then, it was
> already 01P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, Do the
> laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen
>  floor,
> Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
> argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies
> and got the kids organized
> to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and
> watched TV while
> he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and
> washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and
> snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the
> kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, Bathed the
> kids, And put them to bed. At 09 P.M . He was exhausted and,
> though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed
> where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get
> through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and
> immediately knelt by the bed and said: - 
> 'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so
> wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
> Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
> 
> Amen!'
> 
> The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
> 'My
>  son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be
> happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll
> just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last
> night.' 
> Women'

DAUGHTER IN LAW

GREAT CONCEPTS OF THE NEW GENERATION AUGHTER IN LAW

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes.

Some daughters-in-law are well trained and well mannered....They don't come to change the family,they are here to.....(READ ON !)

The new wife (progressive Indian woman of today), was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech;

'My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family,firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. 'No,I will never do that, never in a million years.'

'What do you mean my child?' asked the father-in-law.

'What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws);

Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning !!!

'And what are you here for?' enquired the mother-in-law.




'AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST TO......


ENTERTAIN YOUR SON...

> > Jamaa
> > mmoja alikuwa akitokea shamba pamoja na mkewe. Wakiwa njiani
> > waliona uyoga, wakaung'oa na kwenda nao nyumbani kwa
> > lengo la kwenda kupika na kuula. Lakini kabla ya kufika
> > nyumbani, wakahofu kwenda kula ule uyoga wakihisi unaweza
> > kuwa si uyoga wa kula.
> > 
> > Basi wakaamua wapike uyoga kidogo,na kiasi waubakishe,
> > halafu ule waliopika wampe mbwa wao, asipokufa mbwa basi ule
> > waliobakisha nao wale. Mbwa akala uyoga ule. Wakakaa siku ya
> > kwanza,ya pili, mbwa hajafa wakaamua wapike ule uyoga
> > uliobakia nao wakala.
> > 
> > Walipomaliza kula tu, mara mtoto wao wa kiume akaingia
> > ndani akitokea shule, na kuwaeleza wazazi kuwa amemuona mbwa
> > wao amekufa.
> > 
> > Wazazi wakapigwa na butwaa wakijua basi nao mwisho wa
> > maisha yao
> > umefika, na muda wowote watakufa tu kwa kuwa nao wamekula
> > uyoga kama mbwa alivyokula.
> > Basi yule baba akaamua kumwambia mkewe anaomba atubu mbele
> > yake kwa kuwa kifo kinamjia wakati wowote. Jamaa akaanza
> > kumwambia mkewe amsamehe kwani ni maovu mengi alifanya.
> > Kwanza msichana wa kazi waliyemfukuza akiwa na ujauzito, ule
> > ni ujauzito wake. Mdogo wake na mkewe wa kike anayeishi naye
> > pale ni mpenzi wake wa siku nyingi. Pia ana watoto wengine
> > watatu nje ya ndoa, na kila mtoto ana mama yake.
> > 
> > Mama akasema nashukuru kwa hayo yote, Basi naomba nami
> > nitubu Kwako.Huyu mtoto wa kiume mdogo si wako nilizaa na
> > Shamba boy wetu na huu ujauzito nilionao sasa ni wa mpangaji
> > wetu humu ndani.
> > 
> > Jamaa kusikia hayo akapandwa na jazba ukawa ugomvi mkubwa
> > mule ndani.
> > 
> > Wakati wakigombana, mara mtoto wao wa kwanza wa kike
> > akaingia ndani na kukuta wakigombana. Akawauliza, Baba na
> > mama mnagombania nini humu ndani, badala ya kwenda kuona
> > mbwa wetu amekufa kwa
> > kugongwa na gari kule nje?
> > 
> > Wazazi waliposikia kuwa mbwa amekufa kwa kugongwa na gari
> > walibaki wanatazamana na kupigwa na bumbu wazi.
> > 
> > Fikiria ni wewe ITAKUWAJE

Money Angel

Difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED

Ndoto za ukubwani

Harry alipochoka kufanya kazi zake akazima taa, akambusu mkewe, akalala na
usingizi mzito ukampitia. Mara akamwona mwanamme amesimama kitandani.

"Toka hapa nani wewe unakuja kitandani kwangu?"
"mimi ni mtakatifu Petro na hapa si kitandani kwako bali ni mbinguni"
"Ina maana nimekufa? Mbona mimi bado kijana? Naomba unirudishe duniani."
"Inawezekana, lakini siwezi kukurudisha kama mtu, labda nikurudishe kama
mbwa au kuku"

Harry akakumbuka mbwa anavyopata taabu ya kulinda, " Bora nirudi kama kuku"

Mara akajikuta yuko kwenye banda, akiwa kuku jike na matakoni kunawaka moto.
Akamwona jogoo pembeni, akamwambia shida yake.

"Kaka ninasikia moto matakoni, inakuwaje?"
"Kwani hujawahi kutaga weye?" Jogoo akamjibu kwa maringo.
"Sijawahi"
"Chuchumaa, kamua kwa nguvu yai litoke."

Basi akakamua, yai la kwanza likatoka, akakamua tena yai la pili hilo! Akiwa
anataka kukamua yai la tatu akasikia sauti ya mke wake.

*"Harry, pumbavu wewe, unakunya kitandani!"

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